TLed by NolepGuy
Chapter 42
I’m fine.
These words became a dagger that pierced my heart. It felt like a sharper and more painful awl was stabbing into my chest than anything else.
Ricardo’s appearance, smiling as if nothing was wrong and holding my hand tightly, made me so resentful.
The question, “Don’t you hate me? Even though you endured such terrible pain because of someone completely unrelated to you, don’t you resent me?” rose up to the tip of my chin.
I gritted my teeth and spoke to Ricardo.
“What… exactly is fine?”
It was a question filled with resentment.
A question about why he was pretending to be fine when it was clear that he wasn’t.
I gripped Ricardo’s hand tightly.
Tightly enough that my hand trembled. I was angry and resentful toward Ricardo for lying. I wanted him to know I was being sincere.
“What exactly is fine?”
Ricardo, looking at me with neither disgust nor resentment, but with an apologetic emotion. I wished he would say something.
I wished he would at least curse at me now.
Call me a bad woman.
Tell me that his body was ruined because of me.
Instead of staying silent with his mouth shut, I wished he would at least curse at me. Then, I thought I might feel better.
Fine, you say.
Ricardo’s words echoed in my mind like a reverberating sound.
I asked Ricardo, pouring my honest feelings into the question. Even though you’re kind, even though you’re always by my side, I wanted to know if you didn’t hate me.
At the same time, I hoped that harsh words wouldn’t come out of Ricardo’s mouth. Because I’m a coward.
My voice trembled.
I wanted to speak harshly.
I wanted to scold him, telling him not to joke around, but my voice trembled foolishly.
“You’re not fine. There’s no way you’re fine…!”
I thought to myself.
That perhaps he also thought he hated me—a delusion.
Not only did I leave him with an indelible scar, but I also made him endure terrible suffering, and yet all he got in return was a crazy woman searching for Mikhail.
If it were me, I would hate him to death.
Whether he was a Butler or a friend or whatever, I would have thrown everything away and run off. So why didn’t he?
A flood of thoughts and resentment surged within me, but the words that came out of my mouth were just the complaints of a coward.
“Don’t lie.”
“It’s not a lie.”
Tears fell onto the blanket.
More tears flowed again because of the Butler who refused to say hateful words to me until the end.
I thought I’d cried enough, but it seemed I still had many tears left.
Hiding my tear-streaked face, I spoke.
“It hurt, didn’t it?”
“…”
“It hurt so much you could have died.”
“I was f…”
“What… What! Is fine!!!”
I irritably let go of Ricardo’s hand.
“You could have died! Do you understand? You could have died….!”
Ricardo lowered his head.
Though he had done nothing wrong, he bowed his head and clenched and unclenched his fists repeatedly on the bed. His hunched shoulders pained my heart.
I buried my face in the blanket.
Even as I tried to rub my eyes and calm my overwhelmed emotions, my trembling shoulders wouldn’t stop my sobbing.
“You could have died right there….”
“…”
Ricardo let out a deep sigh.
His exhalation, “Haa,” carried a faint tremor.
After taking another long breath to steady himself, Ricardo spoke softly to me, his voice reaching me through the blanket where I had buried my face.
“I was aware of it.”
Ricardo’s calm tone froze my heart cold. It felt as though my breath had suddenly stopped—because I heard words I never wanted to hear from Ricardo.
Before I could even ask “Why…,” Ricardo continued speaking.
“Because I thought it was the best option.”
The best option… Though I didn’t want to admit it, it was the only way. It was the best choice. However, there must have been other options where he wouldn’t have saved me…
The word “best” left me speechless.
Ricardo spoke with a trembling voice. It was as though he was forcing himself to say something he didn’t want to, and I could sense the slight quiver in his tone.
“Young Lady, as for me…”
Haa… I heard Ricardo sigh.
Ricardo, irritably running his hand through his hair, buried his face in his hands, just like me, and spoke.
“You are truly precious to me.”
“Am I not precious to you? I…!”
“I know. I know that I am precious to you. That’s why you took me, a Vagabond from the slums, as your Butler.”
At Ricardo’s words, I retorted. His confident reasoning didn’t feel grand enough to risk one’s life over.
I’m not someone like Mikhail who saves the world as an Apostle, nor am I a woman like Yuria, loved by everyone. There was no reason for him to risk his life for a mere ill-tempered Villainess.
It was mere curiosity that led me to pick up Ricardo, and he was just lucky. If he claimed he risked his life for such trivial matters, I couldn’t believe it.
It felt like a lie meant to comfort me.
So I spoke bluntly.
“You risked your life for something so trivial? Are you crazy? Do you think you’re some Saintess or Hero?”
“It’s not something trivial.”
Ricardo frowned as he lifted his bangs. He wore an even more unpleasant expression than when he showed me the scars on his arm.
He showed me a small scar etched into his forehead.
Though it had faded over time, the deeply embedded mark was proof of a scar. Ricardo took a deep breath and continued speaking.
“To me, it isn’t trivial.”
I didn’t know the details about that scar. I merely picked up a dying Little Kid in the rain.
To me, that scar didn’t hold significant meaning.
I looked at Ricardo and said.
“That… was just your luck.”
Ricardo spoke firmly.
“Sometimes, luck can change a person’s life.”
Ricardo covered his forehead.
“Calling it trivial doesn’t do justice to how much it changed my life. I used to beg in the Slum Village, stealing from Little Kids.”
“You were a Little Kid too.”
“I was a special Little Kid, so that’s irrelevant.”
Ricardo took a deep breath and said.
“I am a Butler. I have been serving you as a Butler for 13 years. I know what you like. I know what you dislike. I am a Butler who understands you well.”
“What does being a Butler even mean?”
Ricardo smiled playfully.
“What do you mean, ‘What does it mean’? I take pride in my Job.”
It was nonsense.
A Butler’s Job is nothing significant. Just being handed a nameplate and wearing a Black Butler Uniform, unlike other nobles who receive estates, wealth, or social status, is all that comes with being the Butler of a fallen Noble Lady.
Ricardo’s words were nothing but a hollow excuse.
I wanted to know Ricardo’s true feelings.
The resentment he might hold against me deep inside.
So I spoke bitterly. Just as a hedgehog instinctively raises its thorns, I reflexively revealed mine.
“Just curse at me already.”
“…”
“Just say that you hate me, that you can’t stand the sight of me. Tell me I’m pitiful if that’s what you think.”
I acted out of pointless pride.
Because no other answer came to mind.
I couldn’t accept such actions unless they were out of pity.
Ricardo looked at me.
At me, shedding tears onto the blanket and spitting out cold words.
“Young Lady, do you know there’s no conviction in asking someone to curse while wearing such an expression?”
“Who in the world could curse at someone sniffling with a Runny Nose?”
I spoke.
Telling him not to joke around.
This time, I glared at Ricardo with a slightly intimidating expression, but Ricardo also replied that he wasn’t joking.
Haa… Ricardo let out a sigh. He glanced at the Starry Window once, then looked at my face.
At my face, which couldn’t stop shedding tears even though I didn’t want to cry.
“You said you care about me, Young Lady. I care about you just a little more than you care about me. Just a little more.”
“What does that even mean…?”
“Thirteen years is a surprisingly intense amount of time. At first, I thought you were a Crazy Woman, but gradually, I grew fond of you.”
Ricardo gave a gentle Smile.
“You told me to curse, right?”
He whispered a small curse into my ear.
“Fool.”
And then he lifted his head as if feeling refreshed.
“This much is enough to resolve it. If you have complaints, don’t nitpick about Side Dishes later, and eat your meals properly.”
Stop it. Those words.
I couldn’t let it slide again this time.
I had to tie this Knot for sure.
I spoke to Ricardo.
“Do you not hate me?”
Ricardo hesitated for a moment.
“Aside from when you’re picky about Side Dishes, I don’t hate you. As long as you don’t separate Paprika on the Plate.”
“No… that’s not what I mean.”
I said what I had been thinking.
The thoughts I had worried about—whether Ricardo hated me or disliked me.
“I…”
My lips wouldn’t move.
My lips, which tried to bring up that incident, were too scared to move, but I thought this was my only chance.
If not now, I knew too well that I, the Coward, wouldn’t even be able to ask that Foolish Butler.
I spoke with a trembling heart.
“Because of me… you went through that, and you don’t hate me?”
Ricardo answered plainly.
“Not at all. It was my choice.”
Tears flowed.
I thought I had no more tears left, having cried for so long, but Ricardo’s words, saying it was nothing, brought them out.
“It’s… all my fault. If I hadn’t liked Mikhail, you wouldn’t have gone through that.”
My Emotions surged.
“If I…! If I hadn’t foolishly used Dark Magic, you could have lived happily. You could have attended the Academy or even done something else besides being a Butler.”
The weight of the Butler’s ruined life, caused by what I did, felt like it was crushing my shoulders. Everything that happened because of me, everything no one else could be blamed for, was all my responsibility.
I couldn’t lift my head from the guilt.
“I…!”
My Voice trembled.
Overcome with emotion, I couldn’t speak properly.
“I… am really sorry…”
I grabbed Ricardo’s arm and buried my face in it.
I worried about whether it might hurt him just to be held by me. I worried whether I was holding too tightly. But if I didn’t hold onto his arm, I felt like my fragile heart would completely Break Down.
“I feel overwhelmingly sorry… Just seeing your face reminds me of your pain, and it drives me crazy…”
If I were you.
I wouldn’t even look at your face and would live like a Nemesis.
“Do you truly not hate me?”
Everything was contained in that question.
The mistakes that ruined Ricardo’s life.
The pain he went through, which he shouldn’t have had to endure—all because of my mistakes—was wrapped up in those words.
“Huff… I…”
Overwhelmed with emotion, I had reached my limit in speaking.
“I… truly am sorry…”
I held Ricardo’s arm and cried.
Ricardo hugged me and gave a brief response.
“It’s fine. Truly.”
Ricardo, speaking calmly, patted me on the back and said.
“How can a person stop themselves from liking another person?”
Ricardo lifted my head and pressed on my face like a Goldfish. Looking at my squished face, Ricardo chuckled softly.
“Now, let’s stop talking about this.”
As always, he ended his words with a hint of a Joke.
“You’re really ugly when you cry.”
That night, I cried in Ricardo’s arms until morning.
***
The next day.
Ricardo replaced the Wet Towel on my feverish forehead and said.
“Panda…”
“Don’t laugh.”
“Your eyes are the size of Fists.”
“Eeeek… I told you not to laugh!!”
I grabbed the Wet Towel from my forehead.
And I threw it at Ricardo.