Translator: Marctempest
Editor: Rynfinity
Chapter 292
Bambi.
In some ways, it was a song akin to a landmine.
Saying I wanted to hide my true self to be loved, yet paradoxically revealing my true self.
It was the kind of mistake a child, dazed by receiving love for the first time, might make.
I too realized the flaw after writing it and immediately erased the lyrics.
But funnily enough, similar sentences kept forming thereafter.
In other words, this was probably what I wanted to say the most right now.
‘I know now.’
I really did.
That fans didn't like me because I was Bambi.
After all, I wasn't a real deer.
Fans wouldn't want me to be a deer either.
I wanna be the bambi.
The meaning embedded in the phrase 'I want to be Bambi' was as follows:
Lee Yeon-jae whom Biyeon likes. Lee Yeon-jae whom Biyeon loves. Lee Yeon-jae whom Biyeon feels proud of.
It meant wanting to exist as that shining Lee Yeon-jae at every moment.
Which aspect of me do you like?
I still didn’t know.
‘You said you liked all of me.’
I remembered the words that you'd like whatever I did, so I shouldn't worry.
The kind comments that poured in every time I posted on the fan café.
The affectionate words I heard when facing you at fan meetings.
It wasn’t that I didn’t believe those words.
‘I don’t trust myself.’
Just as I didn’t completely know myself, fans wouldn’t fully know ‘Lee Yeon-jae’ either.
But what if that ‘Lee Yeon-jae’ wasn’t such a good person?
What if I was deceiving myself too?
‘There might be sides of me I don’t remember.’
Perpetrators often don’t remember their actions.
I could have forgotten the bad things I did unknowingly.
The misfortune gene, the black stone. All of it could have been mere excuses.
Maybe I wasn’t such a good person after all.
‘I’m anxious.’
I was anxious that someday I might disappoint people.
I didn’t want to play Bambi anymore. It wasn’t enough.
‘I just want to be Bambi.’
I wished the ‘Lee Yeon-jae’ whom Biyeon loved was my true self.
I didn’t really know how different the two personas were, or if they were that different at all.
Even when trying to look objectively, anxiety often clouded my view.
‘It might be because I’m too happy.’
The mist I met every night, Jin-bae hyung who was always there for me, the ever-increasing number of people around me, and the fans who cheered for me.
The more stable I felt, the greater my anxiety grew.
‘Like this…’
I feared everything might disappear in an instant.
Whenever I felt this vague anxiety, I followed the doctor's advice.
I exercised or took walks, trying not to think as much as possible.
But singing it out like this...
‘It feels like I’m alive.’
Ironically, I felt much better than before.
It felt like the lump that had been tightly lodged in my throat was gone.
‘I finally understand what Bi-hyuk meant.’
No Bi-hyuk once said this.
He said singing whenever he felt stifled cleared his mind.
Back then, I just nodded vaguely, but now I seemed to understand what he meant.
‘At this point, I...’
I thought I might really like singing quite a lot.
I chuckled at the thought that I could finally be sure.
Only after the album talks did I realize.
I was indeed myself.
‘I hope Byeon isn’t too upset.’
The only saving grace was that the melody was upbeat.
‘Bambi’ was a song where the rhythmical instrument sounds mellowed out the self-deprecating message.
Even though the lyrics weren’t cheerful, they could be conveyed gently.
It was also a testament to how broad Tom’s musical spectrum was.
"(Hmm, it would be nice to give it a more trendy feel. How should we do that?)"
"(Should we try to bring out the texture of the voice? Make it sound clearer?)"
Fortunately, the synergy with Tom wasn’t bad.
When I cleared my throat and sang with as clear a tone as possible, I saw Tom cheering beyond the glass.
"(Oh! That's it! Wow, as expected. Great, really great! Let’s keep layering the harmonies with that feeling.)"
"(Yes.)"
Thus, over two days, we finished recording "Bambi" and "Biyeon."
Since the narration recording for the movie "Shin Yu-yeong" was completed last week, I thought I would have nothing to do for a while.
Until Team Leader Woo said this.
"Now we need to shoot the music video. What are you talking about?"
"What? A music video?"
"Of course. You didn’t think about shooting a music video when releasing a single album, not just a mixtape? That's more surprising."
Team Leader Woo chuckled.
I felt awkward seeing that.
"Can I really shoot a music video? Just releasing the album feels like I’m being too greedy."
"What greed? You should do what you want. Don’t you remember the CEO said to let you do everything you wanted? Are you saying you don’t want to listen to the CEO now?"
"No, it's not that—"
"I was actually on my way to see the CEO. Should I tell him everything?"
"No, what do you mean by tell him everything? Don’t tease me."
This guy’s personality was getting stranger by the day.
When I glared at him slightly, Team Leader Woo smiled, lifting the corners of his mouth.
His playful smile made it hard to believe he had the nickname ‘Robot Team Leader.’
"Yeon-jae, listen well. You must release a music video. We need to get our money’s worth. You know that, right?"
Team Leader Woo made a circle with his thumb and forefinger.
It was a gesture indicating ‘money.’
"The composition fee for Tom Washington alone was quite high. We need to try everything as long as it doesn't damage your image as an actor."
"Didn't you hear from Tom? He said not to worry about the cost since it’s a gift."
"I heard. I just politely declined."
Team Leader Woo nodded.
"It’s better to calculate everything clearly from the start. It's better for you in the long run. You can’t owe a debt for a few bucks."
"You just said it was quite a lot of money, and now you’re saying it’s a few bucks?"
"That’s because talking about money works best on you."
"……"
"Why take a longer route when there’s an easier way?"
He smiled cynically as he said that.
It was hard to believe that this man was grinning like a playful child just moments ago.
‘Indeed, people don’t change easily.’
I shook my head.
"Alright. I’ll shoot the music video."
You can’t win against someone who’s good at their job.
‘Better to have it than not.’
It’s not like I release songs often.
If I release a music video this time, Biyeon would probably like it more too.
Just as I was thinking that, an unexpected comment came.
"Do you want to try directing it too?"
"……What?"
What was he talking about now?
"Don’t be scared, you’re not doing it all by yourself. You’ve shot many works so far, so you have some idea of how it's done."
"That’s true, but directing is a different realm."
"If it’s too hard, you can stop in the middle. Just give it a try."
Why are there so many people telling me to try things these days?
It was so unexpected that I couldn’t immediately argue.
‘I can’t believe he’s saying this to me.’
When I said I wanted to write the script for the Korean Sign Language drama "February 3rd," Team Leader Woo allowed it with a face showing no expectations.
But now he was suggesting directing first?
"You wrote the lyrics this time, didn’t you? So I thought it’d be cool to put ‘Written by Yeon-jae Lee’ at the beginning of the music video."
Team Leader Woo continued casually.
"And it’d look even cooler if ‘Directed’ was next to ‘Written.’"
"……Is that all? Because it’d look cool?"
When I made a dumbfounded face, Team Leader Woo laughed.
"Yes. My job is to enhance the image of our artists, so what?"
"……"
"I won’t force you to do something you don’t want to. But opportunities like this don’t come often. It’s the best chance to work without other people’s interference."
It’s a song under your name, not someone else’s work.
Team Leader Woo shrugged his shoulders.
"You also planned the Myeongwoo Corporation bed advertisement. There’s not much difference between that and directing, so I don’t understand why you’re hesitating."
"I’m just being cautious. If I mess up…."
"You’re going to do well, so why worry. Anyway, think about it. If you don’t want to, just say so."
Team Leader Woo patted my shoulder and left, saying to give him an answer by tomorrow.
As I watched his quickly receding back, I scratched the back of my neck.
‘Is this year particularly full of work?’
There’s so much to do.
But the most embarrassing part was that I didn’t entirely hate it.
Two days later.
The schedule for the music video shoot of the title song "Bambi" and the director were decided.
And the name written in the director’s section was mine….
‘Hmm.’
It’s too embarrassing to say more.
* * *
Three days later.
The staff involved in the "Bambi" music video shoot gathered in the meeting room.
Once I confirmed everyone, including Team Leader Woo, was present, I stood up.
"Then let’s start the meeting."
I briefly explained the reason I wrote the song "Bambi" and the message I wanted to convey through it.
Along with that, I shared the story I hoped to include in the music video.
Since I had roughly calculated the staff needed for the shoot and the budget, the meeting progressed smoothly.
"Then I'll handle contacting the cast."
"I'll secure the location. It’s the same place we shot last time, and it matches exactly with what Yeon-jae described. I'll share the site photos in the group chat later."
"Thank you. I appreciate it."
Having competent people around certainly made things easier.
I smiled contentedly to myself.
"Now we need to talk about the album…."
After hesitating for a moment, I spoke seriously.
"I'm not sure if a physical album is necessary, what does everyone think—"
Wouldn't it be enough to release it as a digital single?
I heard albums are bad for the environment.
But before I could finish my sentence, all the staff opposed.
"No. We must release it."
"Actual album sales count towards chart performance, so it's unavoidable. The Billboard charts are the same."
"That's right. You never know."
I wondered why we needed to consider the possibility of charting on Billboard.
I hesitated due to the staff's continuous opposition.
"We have to release the album."
One staff member who had been quiet all along spoke up.
‘That person usually doesn’t take the initiative.’
Curious, I asked why.
She answered with a face full of fear.
"If we don’t release it, the fans might set the company on fire…."
"……."
"……."
The other staff slowly nodded.
I was shocked by everyone’s unanimous agreement.
‘What?’
How did Biyeon's image end up like this?
I felt a bit unfair.