Chapter 5: Stale Veteran's Cheap Tricks (1)
Darkening ominous clouds.
The biting wind howling in.
A gaze looking down from above.
A man was watching over the forsaken land.
A pink ribbon. A huge lovely brooch. The forearms exposed beneath fluttering lace were nothing short of powerful. The flap skirt flailing in the cold wind was adorably charming, and the calves clad in pure white stockings were like iron pillars.
Thus, Aged Kimchi tightly gripped the Heart Sparkle Wand.
“……”
He didn’t know.
Why he was standing here.
How he had come to lose his way like this.
No—
Perhaps, he did already know.
‘It’s faint… but memories of my past lives are swirling in my mind.’
Aged Kimchi’s sharp eyes sank into deep thought.
He could recall—if only vaguely.
‘The nineteen lives I’ve already lived through…’
They surfaced in fragments, little by little.
Thanks to that, he understood a bit.
This life he now faced wasn’t the first. There had been nineteen before this. In those lives, he had headed time and again toward that forsaken land in the distance. He fought endlessly, struggled without end.
And so he survived. He prevailed.
But for what purpose?
By whose will?
‘…The hand of mission.’
There had been a sacred, absolute hand guiding him. Following the guidance shown by that hand of mission, he had built up countless achievements. That had been his life, his goal, his sole destiny. Or so he had believed.
But this time, it felt different.
‘And now… it’s gone.’
Aged Kimchi looked down at his calloused hands. He couldn’t feel it anymore. The voice that the hand of mission once spoke with was now silent.
It was the first time this had happened.
‘The hand of mission isn’t saying anything.’
No matter how hard he listened, it remained the same.
A feeling of utter helplessness washed over him.
‘Then now… what do I live for?’
He didn’t know.
The feeling of being abandoned in the howling wind. The forsaken land stretched out before him looked more vast than ever. In it, where was he to go? What was he to do? He didn’t know. Not at all. To a staggering degree.
“……”
Aged Kimchi stood silently for a long while, staring down at his hands.
Then, at some moment—
…Ding dong.
The bell of the world rang.
The status window floating above Aged Kimchi’s head began to change.
[Name: Aged Kimchi]
[Level: 9990]
[Status: Playable Character → NPC]
With that, a change stirred within Aged Kimchi’s heart as well.
“……”
Why was that?
Why did he feel this inexplicable sense of relief? Why did the absence of the hand of mission no longer bring him anxiety? Why did it now feel as though… he had truly become a free man?
What was the cause of this?
He had no idea.
But there was one thing he did know.
‘Now, I…’
He no longer needed to head toward the forsaken land stretched out before him. That necessity had vanished. He could now simply go where his steps led him. Where his will pointed. He had become free to leave.
…Whoooom.
The ominous clouds grew thicker.
The bitter wind howled harder.
In the midst of it all, Aged Kimchi turned his back.
Before he knew it, his steps were heading toward human lands.
♣
At the same time—
In the heart of the forsaken land.
Inside the conference room of the Demon Lord’s Castle, the remaining members of the Four Great Demon Generals—excluding Asurat—were gathered with grave expressions, their heads bowed in mutual concern. They were in the midst of a full-blown agony parade.
“How the hell… are we supposed to get poop?”
The Archduke of Fog, Hartok, muttered with a deeply troubled face.
That’s right.
Poop.
They had been ordered to fetch it.
No rhyme or reason. Just poop.
And as much of it as possible, apparently.
That was the order given today—after boiling, tying up, soaking, and boiling again Asurat nearly to death—by the Demon Lord Credos, directed to Hartok and the rest of the Four Great Demon Generals.
“……”
This was seriously some bullshit.
Maybe it was time to just quit being one of the Four Great Demon Generals altogether.
Hartok murmured in despair, realizing his job satisfaction was scraping the bottom of the barrel.
“Surely… he doesn’t mean for us to produce it ourselves, right?”
“Credos, that lunatic! He’s gone completely mad…! Filthy! Disgusting!”
Sirgi, seated across the round table, shrieked in revulsion. Just recalling the order she had received today seemed enough to trigger deep disgust, as she violently shook her four blades.
Next to her, the Black Boulder Tyrant, Baal, spoke in a heavy, serious tone.
“I, Baal. Haven’t eaten in a long time. So no poop. Sirgi, no poop either.”
“Don’t take interest in my poop, you maniac!”
Sirgi shouted irritably.
Hartok spoke gravely.
“No, even if we could poop, I wouldn’t want to offer mine to that bastard Credos. Who knows what kind of curse or spell he’d use it for.”
“……”
At Hartok’s words, Sirgi and Baal, who had been bickering just moments earlier, both nodded in agreement. Hartok had a point. Poop was, at its core, a byproduct of the body. If someone were to use it as a medium? It could easily become a reliable tool for curses.
The Archduke of Fog continued.
“So our poop is off-limits. Let’s just whip the lower demons until they crap something out.”
“But the lower demons are more starved than us. They don’t poop. Even more constipated than we are.”
Baal shook his head in opposition.
Hartok furrowed his brow.
“I know that. But so what?”
“You can’t force out poop that won’t come.”
“Anyone who can’t poop can be executed for defying orders. Then we can scrape out whatever’s stuck in their guts.”
“That’s not gonna work. If you rip open their bellies, the lower demons are too weak. They’ll die.”
“Doesn’t matter. We’ll still be able to collect poop.”
“No good. Dead demons don’t poop again. If they’re alive, they’ll keep pooping, and we can gather more.”
“Huh. For once, you’re making sense.”
“Thanks for the compliment.”
“Annoying. Want me to rip your belly open instead?”
“Baal, your weak attacks won’t pierce my belly.”
“We’ll see about that. If we feed your freshly killed meat to the lower demons, we might get something out of them, eh?”
“Threats like that don’t work on Baal.”
“……”
Hartok’s gaze turned icy.
Veins bulged across Baal’s body.
The Archduke of Fog and the Black Boulder Tyrant.
Just as the tense atmosphere between the two Demon Generals began to reach its boiling point—
Bang.
“What’s with the mood in here?”
The door burst open. Kim Jangcheol entered the conference room, casting a disappointed look at the Demon Generals.
“I told you to gather poop for compost, and here you are having a stare-down?”
He scolded them, feigning disappointment.
Truthfully, he was still a little afraid. Still worried these freaks might snap and lunge at him. But he showed no sign of it, keeping his composure as he spoke.
“I was listening from outside—what’s all this talk about pooping or not pooping? You seriously think I meant that like some school assignment to collect your own droppings? Huh?”
“……”
“Tch. Can’t even trust you lot with a simple task. Tsk tsk!”
Kim Jangcheol shook his head.
His order to gather poop—
He hadn’t meant the Demon Generals or other demons’ human waste. What he’d asked for was animal poop, to be used for making compost.
‘Human waste is easy enough to collect… but it’s not ideal for farming.’
Improperly processed human waste compost posed a serious health and sanitation issue. The parasite eggs and bacteria contained in feces would transfer directly to the plants. Anyone who consumed those plants would be infected instantly. It was the completion of a perfect infection cycle—by everyone, for everyone, aimed at everyone.
For that reason, many modern African countries were still suffering from the consequences of using human waste as compost. There was no need to look far—back in Korea before the 1970s and 80s, numerous parasitic and infectious diseases had spread due to human feces compost as well.
‘To completely break that vicious cycle, you'd need a proper fermentation facility—and several months of time. But... that kind of setup clearly doesn't exist here.’
Honestly, it was a bit disappointing.
If the parasite eggs, bacteria, and even the salinity that hindered plant growth could be eliminated, then human waste wouldn’t be such a bad option. It was relatively easy to obtain, rich in nutrients, and recyclable.
‘……’
Still, in the long run, it was a no-go.
There was no time to spare on reprocessing procedures.
Kim Jangcheol quickly shook off the brief temptation(?) of using human waste. Then, he spoke to the Demon Generals.
“All of you, follow me.”
“To where exactly?”
“To the northwest. The Cliffs of No Return.”
He didn’t offer any more detailed explanation. There was no point—they wouldn’t understand even if he did.
And so, Kim Jangcheol departed from the Demon Lord’s Castle, leading the three Demon Generals, his aide Zephyros, and a few low-ranking demon laborers. Relying on the map he had memorized by heart while playing the game, he headed northwest. He walked. For over half a day.
And finally, they arrived.
The northwestern edge of the forsaken land.
The Cliffs of No Return.
…Shhhhaaaaa!
A sheer cliff, as if cut clean through.
Below, the waves raged violently.
Surging, swirling waves churned like a vortex. Amidst them, sharp rocks jutted upward like the fangs of a beast, stretching endlessly. Anyone who fell into those waters would undoubtedly be torn limb from limb—there was no question.
“My Lord… for what purpose have we come here…?”
Zephyros asked.
Kim Jangcheol replied casually, as if it were nothing.
“If we’re gonna make compost, we need to get poop first.”
“……”
Poop. Again.
Zephyros looked at his Lord with a hardened expression. Once more, he felt the sense of dissonance that had been growing over the past few days.
‘He’s definitely been… acting strange lately.’
He wasn’t like before.
Since when?
Probably… just before the deployment ceremony.
Credos hadn’t been like this before. He used to be a being consumed only by slaughter and destruction—that was Credos.
But somehow, he had changed.
And not just a little—he had changed a lot.
Calling off the deployment ceremony out of nowhere was strange enough, but now he was talking about farming. Compost. Personally coming all the way out here to gather poop for that purpose?
It was something unthinkable in the past.
And yet…
‘…I still don’t know.’
Whether this was a good thing or a bad thing.
Zephyros remained confused and uncertain.
In the meantime, Kim Jangcheol continued speaking.
“Good compost that improves the structure of soil always starts with good materials.”
“By… good materials, do you mean…?”
“Well, roughly speaking, things like wood ash, heaps of weeds, soil from the fields, crushed eggshells, chicken manure, or fish scraps.”
Kim Jangcheol smiled faintly.
Wood ash could be obtained by burning the wooden handles of the demons’ weapons. The weed piles could be collected from the dried-out patches near the edge of the forsaken land.
But the rest was a bit more difficult.
‘That’s why I told the Four Great Demon Generals to bring me poop in the first place.’
He had hoped, just in case.
After all, he only knew this world through a game. Maybe the Demon Generals, who actually lived in this world, would know more. Maybe they’d have a way to gather animal dung he didn’t know about.
But seeing it in person—it was a bust.
So, in the end, he had brought everyone here himself.
'The Cliffs of No Return…'
Kim Jangcheol raised his eyes. But rather than looking down the sheer cliff, his gaze turned toward the other side. Dozens of jagged cliff pillars, tall as towers, jutted up from the sea tens of meters away.
Jagged white cliffs, stained and speckled all over.
Above them soared devil gulls.
This was the habitat of the devil gulls that lived along the Demon Realm’s coast.
'This is it!'
This was their largest nesting ground.
All they had to do was scour this place thoroughly. They’d be able to gather devil gull droppings, eggshells, and fish scraps the gulls dropped while feeding—more than enough of it.
'That’ll do. With that, we can make compost rich in nitrogen, phosphate, and potassium.'
Soil improvement!
Nutrient supply!
Farming success!
With thoughts as tightly packed as a roe-filled codfish head, Kim Jangcheol took a step forward.
“Now listen up. I’m going to cross over to those cliffs and gather devil gull droppings and various other materials, then toss them over in sacks to this side.”
“…Excuse me?”
Zephyros flinched in surprise.
"But, my Lord? That place is..."
"I know. It's a place no one can cross."
It was true.
The Cliffs of No Return.
Beyond the edge of this cliff was, from the very beginning, terrain that could not be crossed due to the game system. No character was an exception. And so...
"Since long ago, countless demons have tried to climb those cliffs to catch and eat the gulls, just to fill their starving bellies. But... no one has ever returned. All of them slipped and were devoured by the waves. Yet, you, my Lord..."
"It’s fine. I can climb it."
"But..."
"If this works, everyone will have a way to eat their fill. Just watch quietly."
"..."
Zephyros was at a loss for words.
Sirgi, looking at the guano-covered cliff, struggled to suppress a gag.
Baal silently watched as Kim Jangcheol warmed up.
Hartok tried to hide his sinister glint.
Then, Kim Jangcheol ran.
Tapat—
He kicked off the ground.
Still a body that felt a bit unfamiliar.
But he ran with all his might.
Just like the memory from his 13th life, when he had desperately tried to scale that sheer cliff. Like the countless days he had died again and again, never ceasing his attempts.
...Fwoosh!
He leapt.
Beyond the cliff.
Over the swirling waves.
Recalling the key to success from the day he finally made it.
Thunk—
Just before he could grasp the jagged cliff face—
A translucent barrier blocked his hand.
It was solid and slick.
He couldn’t break through.
He couldn’t grab hold.
As if met by a smooth, solid wall of glass, his entire body instantly slipped downward. Headed straight toward the churning whirlpool waves that would shred any living being. Unhesitatingly, helplessly, hopelessly, he slid down.
"...!"
Zephyros’s eyes trembled.
Sirgi’s eyes widened.
A surprised Baal clenched his fist.
Hartok’s sly smile turned blatant.
Kim Jangcheol, on the other hand, didn’t lose his composure.
‘This is... all part of the plan!’
As he slid, he counted the timing. The 13th time he had successfully climbed these cliffs. He recalled the trick that made it possible. The ultimate cheat, exploiting a system bug.
‘...Open Equipment Inventory!’
Click!
The equipment inventory window popped up before his eyes.
Without hesitation, he selected a menu at the bottom.
‘Strip all!’
Pop!
In that instant—
Kim Jangcheol was completely naked.
And with only his plump, pale buttocks sticking out like two rice cakes, the rest of his body slid into the pixels of the jagged cliff and locked firmly in place.