“……Is this enough?”
After finishing the letter to show to my mother, I slowly read it again.
Honestly, I wasn’t confident that there were no spelling mistakes.
I had no memory of properly attending class.
Even if I went to school and did nothing, didn’t even open a book on my desk, or left during class and came back, no one stopped me, so it was only natural.
Strangely, my grades were average.
Even though I had never properly taken an exam.
The mansion I lived in was spacious, but compared to it, the school building was much larger.
That was one thing I liked about the school.
There was a park more like a garden attached to the mansion, although it was just a vague memory from my childhood.
And more than anything, during class hours, I could go out to the park and never run into anyone.
Well, except for one person.
The key clients came to the high school occasionally, but there was someone who used a strange term to refer to me as “the biggest client”.
“So, I’d like to report the results of managing the assets…”
I didn’t say a word to that person.
No, I couldn’t.
How could I trust someone who suddenly appeared, mentioning my father’s name?
No, I couldn’t trust anyone around me.
I couldn’t possibly trust them.
My father, who had smiled at me, left so suddenly, and there was nothing I could do about it.
I barely had any memories of my mother, who passed away when I was too young.
……And the only family I had left.
‘Mother’…
Does she…think of me as family?
When I was younger, she perfectly filled the role of my mother.
No, not just perfectly.
To me, she truly was ‘Mother’.
There was a time when I admired her.
In the eyes of a child, she was a wonderful adult, a kind adult.
That’s why, whenever I saw her, I felt a mixture of excitement and a strange sense of shame.
That shame was the kind of embarrassment you feel when you meet someone you admire.
That’s why she was ‘Mother’ to me.
I don’t remember how I came up with such a word at such a young age.
I just knew she was the person who replaced my mother, and that you added ‘nim’ to the names of people you respected.
So I called her Mother.
That’s just my guess.
But after my father passed away, Mother suddenly changed.
She didn’t visit me for a long time.
As if she no longer needed to care.
As if she had achieved whatever goal she had in mind.
Even a child can vaguely understand when they live in a different world from others.
The house I lived in was much higher up than the houses others lived in.
As we drove by the cramped forest of apartment buildings, I once asked what kind of building it was, only to be told that people just like me lived there.
I remember being shocked by that.
I now know not to say such things in front of others.
Well, there wasn’t really anyone to talk to anyway.
In any case, I heard that Mother originally lived in such a house.
One of the servants said so.
That servant disappeared at some point.
So, I thought.
Maybe Mother never loved me.
That thought terrified me.
I was so afraid of the idea that there might be no one left in the world who would love me.
That’s why, when Mother visited me briefly four times a year, I greeted her with all my heart.
I wanted her to stay just a minute longer.
I thought Mother was the only one who genuinely loved me—was that true?
In hindsight, even that was questionable.
That’s why I couldn’t trust her either.
If I doubted even Mother, how could I trust a woman who suddenly appeared, talking about my father’s wealth?
I didn’t say a word to her.
“Excuse me, customer. What can I do for you to trust me?”
It was only after about three such non-conversations that she finally asked me this.
Even then, I said nothing to her.
There wasn’t a single person left around me whom I could trust.
Even the fiancé I suddenly got engaged to must have been expecting something from me.
He was oddly hostile, yet never broke off the engagement.
There must be a reason for that.
And the fact that Mother arranged the engagement with such a person also meant she had some thoughts in mind.
Mother always told me she loved me whenever we met.
I wanted to believe it.
Could I trust her?
……
The doubt never ceased.
I couldn’t fully trust her.
But Mother would show up every now and then and whisper that she loved me.
It sounded so sincere, so sweet.
Yes, in that silent, heavy atmosphere of the mansion, where no one looked at me, even at school, I had nothing else to think about.
But it seemed that the interest Mother had in me was far lighter than the interest I had in her.
It wasn’t fair.
I thought about her every day.
It felt so unfair that she barely thought of me.
That’s when I came up with an idea.
Should I hang myself?
No, that would take too long.
Should I jump off?
No, there’s too much risk of failure.
Stabbing or cutting—
No, I don’t have any sharp weapons in my room.
That’s why I handed a note to the person who talked to me.
I asked for a certain type of medicine.
“……Are you really asking for it because of insomnia?”
She asked me seriously, holding onto the bottle tightly.
I couldn’t take it from her, her fingers turning white from gripping it so hard.
She must have been taking this situation seriously.
I nodded and handed her a letter I had prepared.
It was a rough plan on what to do with my father’s assets.
Honestly, I didn’t care.
Father wasn’t with me anymore.
What’s the use of having a lot of money?
I knew that no matter how much money I had, it couldn’t bring the dead back to life.
No matter how much money I had, if it took away even Mother’s attention, I would rather throw it all away.
Still, I thought I wrote the plan quite thoroughly.
“……”
The bank clerk, after reading the letter, finally let go of the medicine bottle.
A satisfied expression crossed her face.
“Thank you, customer. I hope I get to see you more often. Since you’re about to graduate, we’ll be able to meet more easily in high school.”
I quietly nodded.
It wasn’t something I cared about.
I probably wouldn’t even attend the graduation ceremony.
So,
Yes, that’s how it happened.
I looked down at the letter again.
I felt like I had included most of what I wanted to say to Mother.
If I had written everything, the paper I had gone through so much trouble to get would have overflowed, so I trimmed it down and included only the essentials.
“……Ah.”
Yes.
There was still something I hadn’t included.
If Mother had been just an ordinary mother to me.
And if I had learned how to smile like other kids.
If I had learned how to talk and how to have conversations.
If I had been someone who could ‘be’ next to others.
I had imagined that once.
I don’t think I wanted too much.
If only another loner like me had appeared and just sat quietly next to me.
If someone who understood my heart had come along.
……Well, it’s too late now.
But that was my wish, so I added it as a postscript to the letter.
It would have been nice if I could have had a happy week.
But I can’t anymore.
I hope you will always think of me that way.
……I thought that last part was a bit much, so I didn’t write it.
*
Yes, that’s how my plan was completed.
A plan to definitely capture the attention of the person I loved most as family—Mother.
What kind of expression will Mother make when she sees my body?
Will Mother understand my prank?
I decided to believe she would.
I decided to believe she would hold my body and cry.
If she followed after me.
Hmm, yes, that wouldn’t be so bad either.
If we could meet as a family in the heavens, that would be nice.
……Well, it was a shame that I wouldn’t be able to see her reaction, though.
But once I had sorted my thoughts and put them into action, I felt at peace.
Now I really didn’t have to think about anything.
I didn’t have to worry about anything.
I just had to fall into a long sleep.
I put the half-empty bottle of pills back into the drawer.
On top of the notebook I treasured the most, I placed the letter I had just written.
These would be the last traces I left behind.
I didn’t feel particularly regretful.
Will Mother find these traces?
This was my last prank.
I deliberately hid the things I wanted to say in the least visible place.
I hope Mother will find this notebook and letter herself and read them.
And if possible, I hope she cries.
As I lay down on the bed, an overwhelming drowsiness overtook me.
For me, it was my final sleep.
*
At least, that’s what I thought.
Until I saw Mother’s face in front of me again.
How—how is this happening?
Is this…my last dream?
No, it was too vivid to be a dream.
I could clearly feel Mother’s warmth, her breath, and her hand touching my cheek.
I was wearing a school uniform I had never worn before.
“Mother……”
I muttered in confusion, and Mother’s expression instantly hardened.
And that expression was exactly the one I had feared most.
My body trembled.
The last person who had shown any interest in me was now withdrawing that interest.
Mother stepped back.
And,
“……I’ll come back on the appointed day.”
She spoke so coldly.
“W-what…?”
I couldn’t understand what she was saying at that moment.
What exactly was going on?
What was this situation?
My mind couldn’t keep up.
Could it be that I… failed…?
If that’s the case, then what is this…?