Chapter 74
Apologizing for mistakes, seeking forgiveness, and making amends.
Those are probably things children learn as they grow up—except, of course, in this wretched family I was born into.
It must be common sense for living among people.
Instead of learning how to admit my mistakes, I was taught how to make everyone turn a blind eye to them.
Rather than sincere apologies, my tongue was more accustomed to saying, "Regrettably," in a tone laced with mockery.
And reconciliation? I’ve never done that before.
Most of the people I should apologize to are no longer in this world, anyway.
After all, if I had to admit I was wrong, wouldn't it just be simpler to erase the other person altogether?
No matter how much I mess up, the moment I point a gun at them, they smile and forgive me—sometimes, they even beg me for forgiveness.
There are always a few stubborn ones who refuse, but that’s a simple matter to resolve—just bring in their family and put a hole in each of their heads.
There was a time, long ago, before I was called Ellen, when I think I could say the words "I was wrong."
But it was so long ago that I must have forgotten.
Speaking of which, what was my name back then?
Not that it matters anymore.
I’ve long since become something so different, so distant from who I was that I can’t even recall it.
I don’t think I can even be called a person anymore.
***
"Theo."
"What?"
"How do you apologize?"
“…Huh?"
"If you keep making that dumb face, even I’ll get hurt, you know."
"You’ve managed just fine before.
'Sorry for stabbing you.'
'Excuse me, but could you take a bullet to the head for me?'
Was that supposed to be an impression of me? Because if it was, I should be legally allowed to split his skull open with an axe right now.
"You just say what you did wrong and ask for forgiveness.
If they don’t accept it, that’s the end of it. Take a slap to the face and move on."
"Easier said than done."
"…Why are you asking?"
"Just to be difficult."
I didn’t want to go to the academy, so should I head straight to Ethel’s house instead?
If I go to the academy, I’ll be bombarded with stares. There’s no hiding what I’ve done, and rumors must be spreading like wildfire.
I mean, before that happened, I was just a girl who sat in the corner with a silly grin, reading books.
And then, suddenly, I became a crazed mass murderer.
Who wouldn’t struggle to process that?
Besides, there are demons and half-demons at the academy. If I go, there’s a chance I’ll end up with a hole in my head or a knife in my chest.
I wouldn’t die, but like I always say—I hate pain.
No matter how I phrase it, all I’m doing is running away again.
When someone gets cornered and runs for long enough, their final stop is death.
And yet, because of Theo, I can’t even run properly. Ha.
Ugh. I hate everything.
Not in some dramatic way, "I hate myself for failing to save Alicia!" way.
Just a pure, simple hatred for everything.
I don’t have the energy for complicated emotions anymore.
If I started listing everything I hate, it’d never end.
I hate Theo.
I hate how my throat sometimes gets dry when I breathe.
I hate the way water catches in my throat when I drink it.
I hate how my dagger and pistol clink together uncomfortably when I walk.
I hate the way my clothes rustle against my skin.
I hate the warmth of sunlight.
I hate the coolness of the wind.
I hate that I can’t listen to music.
I hate that I’ll never watch my favorite movies again.
I hate that when I look at people passing by, the first thing I think is whether I can kill them or not.
***
"What are you mumbling about?"
Without thinking, I instinctively drove my dagger into his throat.
Theo yanked it out immediately and poured a potion over the wound.
"…Not even close."
"I don’t want to go apologize."
"Then don’t. Live like this forever."
"And you? How long are you planning to stay by my side like this?"
"As long as I need to.
I’ll drag you along when I go out with family, when I meet with friends, even when I travel sometimes."
Just imagining it made my stomach churn.
Me, wordless and tucked into a corner, watching happy people go about their peaceful lives.
I wouldn’t even consider being happy myself.
I’d just seethe with jealousy.
Or maybe I’d try to drag them down to my level—like I did with Ethel.
"If you don’t like sticking close like a person, I could always put a collar on you. How about that?"
"I don’t have those kinds of kinks, so don’t worry…."
I wiped the blood off my neck with a handkerchief and stood up.
"Come on. If Ethel rejects me, I’ll just die on the spot."
Not that he’d let that happen.
Theo gave me a strange look, then nodded.
Not that I wanted him to follow me.
But if he was just going to secretly trail behind me to keep me alive, I might as well let him stay by my side.
It had been almost ten days.
Ten days since I last stepped outside and felt the sunlight.
…The sun stung my skin.
I went back inside and grabbed a hat.
Wait. My sleeves are short too.
I turned around and changed into long-sleeved clothes.
Then, just as I reached the front door, I hesitated again.
Wouldn’t a long skirt be better than pants?
I changed again.
The fabric brushing against my ankles felt strange.
…Right, my hair’s a mess, and my face looks like a corpse.
I took out the cosmetics Alicia once gave me and applied a little, then ran a comb through my hair.
Then, as I stepped outside, I had another thought—what if there was some blemish on my face?
I hurried back inside again.
…What the hell am I doing?
"…Haa, haa."
I looked in the mirror.
My red eyes were shaking like crazy.
There was nothing to be afraid of. Nothing to be anxious about.
There were no living demons left. No humans outside waiting to attack me.
What would Ethel say when he saw me?
"Ugh… ugh, ah…"
The thought made me sick.
I didn’t want to see my reflection anymore.
So I pulled out my gun and shattered the mirror with the handle.
Then I threw the gun aside and clenched my fists, slamming them against the broken shards.
Not that it did anything but wound my hands.
Theo must have had enough, because he grabbed my wrist.
I trembled all over.
"…What are you doing?"
"It’s my first time going outside in ten days. Let me have this much."
"Are you really that scared to go out?"
"Anyone who hears us would think I’m some pathetic shut-in… Oh, wait. I am."
"When you’re like this, just ask for help.
If I feel like it, I might help you."
So he’s stopped saying "Whenever, however."
He used to say that all the time.
Guess he’s sick of all my failures.
He’s already done so much just to keep me alive.
Theo looked at me for a moment, then held out his hand.
"Take it. If you do, I’ll take you to Ethel myself."
"……."
"You told me to follow you, didn’t you?
You already asked how to do it, so now go meet Ethel.
And whether you get cursed at or make amends—just don’t think about it."
If I took that hand, I wouldn’t have a chance to go back inside. I’d have to walk straight to Ethel’s mansion.
"Why are you doing this?"
"What’s with the random question all of a sudden?"
"If I knew I was only going back because of you, I would’ve tied you up for life.
I’d feed you through a hose and have someone clean up your waste.
As for your arms and legs, I could just have people move you around.
I’m a cheap human being, after all.
So why are you going this far?"
"…I can’t lock someone up and live indifferently like you."
Didn’t he say I’d been drugged for a year?
Why would he feel guilty about that?
All he did was manage the trash properly, like sorting waste for disposal.
"I don’t get it."
Theo responded indifferently, as if he never expected me to in the first place.
"Of course you don’t. So just do as I say.
At the very least, I’ll make sure you live something that looks like a normal life.
And just like you, I won’t ask for your opinion—I’ll do whatever I want."
Then he grabbed my hand and started dragging me forward.
I let myself be pulled along, half-heartedly. But was this really the right thing to do?
Even as we walked through the streets, Theo never let go of my hand.
He held onto it tightly all the way to Ethel’s mansion.
And to make sure I couldn’t run, he even knocked on the door for me.
Then, the bastard had the audacity to step back and leave me to deal with it.
***
"…Why are you here?"
The one who opened the door wasn’t Ethel.
Which was fortunate—though I wasn’t sure if Julius was any less physically intimidating.
"…I came to apologize."
At those words, Julius’ face flickered with surprise before twisting into a look of sheer contempt.
"Oh, so now that everything’s over, you want to ease your guilty conscience?"
A guilty conscience.
As if I had something like that.
"If my brother sees you, he might faint from fear. Get the hell out of here."
When I didn’t move, Julius stared at me for a long moment—then punched me.
Theo, caught off guard, managed to catch me mid-air, but my head still spun from the impact.
…For a moment, I reflexively pulled out my gun.
But I shoved it back into my inner pocket and stepped toward the front door again.
"…Was one hit not enough?"
Julius frowned, then let out a sigh before opening the door.
"Wait in the guest room.
…No matter who you are, a guest is still a guest."
The moment I stepped into the mansion, hallucinations began replaying the things I’d done here before.