The first page of the notebook was a practice of letters.
It was written with a pen and notebook picked up from somewhere.
Clumsily written, meaningless sentences.
<Han Si-Hoo>
<Yoo Seo-Ah>
There were also names written in the corner of the notebook.
There were scribbles that couldn’t be recognized.
As I flipped through more pages, more meaningful sentences began to appear.
<Today, it rained.>
<Yesterday, it rained.>
<The day before yesterday, it rained.>
“Diary…”
Han Si-Hoo had seen Yoo Seo-Ah sometimes writing something in her notebook.
She didn’t write much.
There weren’t enough writing tools available.
She was very careful not to show it, so I couldn’t check the contents.
<Today, we played tag.>
<It was fun.>
There was a drawing in the corner, likely of Han Si-Hoo and Yoo Seo-Ah.
I turned the page.
<I like Si-Hoo.>
<I’m happy because Si-Hoo is here.>
It was written in a crooked handwriting.
Han Si-Hoo couldn’t easily turn the page.
Would the current Seo-Ah say the same thing?
Does she still think she likes Han Si-Hoo?
Is she happy because Han Si-Hoo is around?
… It didn’t seem likely.
Would Han Si-Hoo still be part of the conditions for Yoo Seo-Ah’s happiness?
Even without Han Si-Hoo, if she had the drugs, she would probably be happy.
That must be why she attacked Han Si-Hoo.
Feeling complicated, I turned the page.
I could see unique scribbles spread over three pages.
There were many sentences about the weather as well.
I kept flipping through the pages.
I hoped to find some useful information.
If Yoo Seo-Ah had been using this notebook until recently, I might be able to figure something out.
Like when Yoo Seo-Ah started using drugs.
Why the state of the house ended up like this.
Han Si-Hoo wanted to know.
With each turn of the page, Yoo Seo-Ah’s handwriting became neater.
There also seemed to be a long period when she hadn’t written anything.
<I found the diary stuck in the drawer.>
It looked like she had lost it and then found it again.
Well, if she had been writing since she was very young, the space in the notebook would have run out.
I turned more pages.
<I wish I could become strong like Si-Hoo.>
That was what she had written with a sense of regret.
Yoo Seo-Ah had always just watched Han Si-Hoo train by himself.
It wasn’t easy for her to follow along, even when she tried.
<It’s okay because Si-Hoo is protecting me.>
That was true.
“……”
Han Si-Hoo hadn’t been able to protect Yoo Seo-Ah.
So, it wasn’t okay at all.
His hands began to tremble slightly.
I continued turning the pages of the notebook.
<I bought some cold medicine.>
I found something about medicine.
<I need to get better soon.>
<I was saving that money to buy a gift for Si-Hoo.>
Yoo Seo-Ah had once bought a 1,500-won snack and given it to me as a gift.
I remembered how Yoo Seo-Ah had said she wished she could’ve bought something better.
Was this diary written around that time?
I wasn’t sure.
<Today, I didn’t cough at all.>
<It’s thanks to the new medicine.>
<I think the new doctor is a good person.>
I also found a mention of a doctor.
A new doctor, perhaps.
Although there weren’t many details, it seemed clear that she got the medicine from the doctor.
<I almost got caught by Si-Hoo with the syringe.>
<I forgot to clean up.>
My head felt a little foggy.
A syringe?
When was this diary written?
I hadn’t noticed anything.
This was something that had been happening even before I entered the academy.
Something was strange.
A doctor had been involved even before I went to the academy.
I couldn’t figure out why.
<Tomorrow, Si-Hoo is going to the academy.>
<I want to go too.>
These two sentences were written with a small gap between them.
When it was discovered that Han Si-Hoo was an Awakener, the academy and the government made him enroll.
There wasn’t even an option to refuse.
Han Si-Hoo also stood to gain some benefits.
Meeting various people.
Most of all, a large sum of money.
The money I had been able to give Yoo Seo-Ah.
But all of it went toward buying Yoo Seo-Ah’s drugs.
<I want to go to school with Si-Hoo.>
<I wish I were an Awakener too.>
<I’m bored.>
There were many things she wished for, listed out.
<I want to play with Si-Hoo.>
That’s what was written in small letters.
I turned the page.
<Now that Si-Hoo is gone, I have to manage on my own.>
<Why did they take Si-Hoo?>
<I’m all alone.>
<I shouldn’t cry.>
The loneliness Yoo Seo-Ah felt was clear in her writing.
One entire page was filled with words about how much she missed Han Si-Hoo.
<After taking the medicine, I feel better.>
<The doctor said I could use a little more.>
The process of increasing the dosage was also recorded.
<Today, I stayed at home.>
<Tomorrow, I will stay home too.>
Yoo Seo-Ah didn’t like staying inside.
In Han Si-Hoo’s memories, Yoo Seo-Ah had always enjoyed playing outside, being active.
But without Han Si-Hoo, there was no one to play with.
No friends.
In the margins of the page, Yoo Seo-Ah had written her hopes.
<The sky is clear.>
<I want to stargaze with Si-Hoo.>
Stargazing.
-Si-Hoo, do you want to go see the stars today?
I remembered Yoo Seo-Ah asking that.
It was about a week after I had entered the academy.
When I briefly visited Yoo Seo-Ah, she hesitated and asked me to stay with her.
– “Can’t you?”
– “Ah, I have plans tonight. With your friend…”
– “I was just saying, don’t worry about it.”
I had turned her down.
Because I really did have plans.
I never thought Yoo Seo-Ah, who was always smiling, would feel lonely.
She seemed disappointed, so I thought I should spend time with her another day.
“Ah.”
Thinking about the past made me feel like I was going to die.
That was the last time Yoo Seo-Ah asked Han Si-Hoo to stay with her.
After that, Yoo Seo-Ah began to distance herself.
I turned the page.
<I received money for the medicine from Si-Hoo.>
<I bought a month’s worth of medicine.>
Of course, I had never given her money specifically for medicine.
Yoo Seo-Ah had spent all of Han Si-Hoo’s money on medicine.
<But the price of the medicine went up again.>
<I shouldn’t be a burden.>
<Si-Hoo might worry.>
<I shouldn’t let that happen.>
With slightly trembling hands, Han Si-Hoo turned the page.
Yoo Seo-Ah had worried about Han Si-Hoo.
She didn’t want to be a burden.
She felt her body becoming more and more addicted to the drugs.
That’s why she had decided to push Han Si-Hoo away.
<Si-Hoo waited outside the door and left. I told him not to come again. I think I said it too harshly.>
It was written in a shaky handwriting, as if her hands were trembling.
<I’ll be able to apologize later.>
<I’ll come find him once I don’t need the medicine anymore.>
<I really don’t want to show Si-Hoo me using the medicine.>
<Si-Hoo will forgive me.>
Her handwriting alternated between thick and thin.
Some parts were torn, as if she had pressed the pen too hard.
When she no longer needed the drugs.
Yoo Seo-Ah planned to find Han Si-Hoo only when she could manage without his help.
And eventually, Yoo Seo-Ah did come looking for Han Si-Hoo.
To borrow money for her medicine.
She didn’t seem to care how pathetic she might look.
In the end, she failed to quit the drugs.
<I’m sorry.>
<I shouldn’t be living like this.>
She was apologizing to someone.
Other sentences on the page had been scribbled over dozens of times, making them unreadable.
<I’ll be able to endure it.>
The page had been torn in many places.
<Even if I’m not here, Si-Hoo will be fine.>
<Or maybe not?>
<I hope not.>
<Wouldn’t it be nice if it wasn’t?>
She repeated the same sentences several times.
<It would be good if everything were fine.>
<I’m sorry.>
There were many sentences of apology.
<The drugs feel strange.>
<Si-Hoo doesn’t come.>
Many lines had been drawn over the words.
Yoo Seo-Ah knew better than anyone that Han Si-Hoo wasn’t coming to help her.
But there was no one else she could ask for help.
Yoo Seo-Ah had no friends.
<Of course he wouldn’t come.>
<Will he forgive me if I apologize later?>
<I spoke too harshly.>
The pen marks swayed back and forth.
From this point on, the lines of the notebook no longer mattered.
The writing ignored the lines and was scattered randomly.
<I threw away all the drugs.>
<I can endure the pain.>
“…What?”
Yoo Seo-Ah threw the drugs away.
Threw them away?
She said she wouldn’t use them anymore.
<It won’t hurt that much.>
<Once I get better, I can go see Si-Hoo, right?>
There were traces of Yoo Seo-Ah’s determination not to take the drugs anymore.
She must have wanted to see Han Si-Hoo somehow.
Then, blank spaces.
Blank.
Several pages of large blank spaces followed.
As I neared the back of the notebook, more words appeared.
<Today, the sky is clear, and I like it.>
That was the last sentence Han Si-Hoo could understand.
<The weather is clear.>
<The weather is clear.>
<The weather is clear.>
<The weather is…>
The rest was filled with scribbles.
Or writing, but so messy that Han Si-Hoo couldn’t read it.
I stared blankly at Yoo Seo-Ah’s diary.
– Thud.
After a long time, I closed the notebook.
My hands were trembling so much that it was hard to control.
“Ugh.”
I now knew for sure that Yoo Seo-Ah had distanced herself from me because she was worried about me.
Her loneliness and suffering had led her to rely more and more on the drugs.
At some point, I realized that the doctor had started giving Yoo Seo-Ah the drugs.
I had seen the sentence about how the drugs made the pain go away at least a dozen times.
I should have known earlier.
Had I not cared about Seo-Ah?
That couldn’t be.
It was too late.
My vision started to blur again.
I felt like throwing up.
“Why.”
Why did it turn out like this?
Why?
Who caused this situation?
I felt nauseous.
She had been my pure and bright childhood friend.
In the diary, Yoo Seo-Ah was constantly asking Han Si-Hoo for help.
There was no way I could have heard her pleas.
And, as expected, there was no help.
I didn’t want to think anymore.
But I had to think.
“Why…”
Why did this happen?
I kept asking the same question.
I held my head in my hands.
Han Si-Hoo was desperately trying to find a reason.
Why did this happen to Seo-Ah, out of all the people in the world?
Why did the doctor give her drugs?
I couldn’t understand.
The only fact left was that I hadn’t been able to protect Yoo Seo-Ah.
Isn’t there something more?
There had to be more information in this house.
– Rattle.
The drawer of the desk made a rough noise as it was pulled open.
Inside was a broken three-color pen.
That was all I could find in the drawer.
I staggered to my feet.
I packed up the notebook.
I still couldn’t figure out the pile of junk cluttering the room.
I couldn’t understand why the mirror was broken either.
I didn’t even know exactly when she started injecting the drugs.
“…I need to go back.”
I had to return to the dorm and ask Seo-Ah.
Did I really think everything would be solved by casually making her breakfast?
Could I just talk to her as if nothing had happened?
Could a few apologies really make everything disappear?
Would everything return to normal with just a little effort?
Could it all be solved by just giving her some rest or treatment?
What would Seo-Ah think?
Han Si-Hoo asked himself.
I just wanted to run away.
I was instinctively rejecting the unpleasant truth.
I needed to end this escape from reality.
“I need to go back.”
I had to figure out what had happened.
I had no clue.
No, I had too many.
Things that might have happened to Seo-Ah.
The list of bad possibilities kept growing.
I thought about the worst-case scenarios.
There were too many worst cases for it to mean anything anymore.