Chapter 236. When a Workaholic Leader Takes Power (5)
Jung Siwoo followed me more obediently than I had expected.
No, to be honest, he even seemed somewhat eager for this late-night walk.
“…….”
“…….”
“…The night air is nice, isn’t it?”
“Huh?↗ Oh, yeah…. It is. A bit chilly, though.”
Unlike the previous walk, where I couldn’t help but spill everything from A to Z out of sheer awkwardness, today I was at MAX tension, pondering how to naturally break the ice.
Whether he knew my anxious heart or not (though he probably knew and was just pretending not to), Jung Siwoo quietly enjoyed the night walk beside me, humming nonchalantly.
As soon as we arrived at the convenience store, I grabbed every snack I could find to keep Jung Siwoo around for as long as possible. While I placed three cup noodles, smoked eggs, hot bar, triangle kimbap, salad, and more onto the counter, Jung Siwoo handed his card to the cashier along with a pack of canned beer, paying for everything, including mine.
“Uh, hyung. I can pay for this. I have money.”
“No. You didn’t even bring your ID, so you can’t buy alcohol anyway.”
“…….”
“I just want to have a light drink while watching you eat.”
Jung Siwoo smiled lightly, motioned for me to carry the purchased items, and slipped out with just his canned beer.
It was unfortunate to have ended up using his wallet, but keeping Jung Siwoo around was more important. I grabbed the cup noodles filled with hot water and the kimbap heated in the microwave and followed him outside. He was already sitting under a parasol in front of the convenience store, sipping on a can of beer.
“…Well then, thank you for the meal, hyung.”
“Yeah. Eat slowly. I’ll drink at your pace.”
“…Are you really going to drink all that?”
“Who knows? As much as it goes in?”
Jung Siwoo shrugged out of habit and leaned comfortably against the chair. Since it felt odd to dive straight into the main topic, I busied myself with mixing the cup noodles filled with string cheese and hot bar, deliberately searching for small talk.
“What are you going to do for *LET US* this time, hyung?”
“I was torn between the jazz piece I prepared during college entrance exams and the ballad I sang when I joined the company, but I decided to go with the ballad. It seemed popular in the comments.”
“Oh, was it *Gaeulae* (*Autumn Love*)? That one, right?”
“Yeah. You remember?”
With a somewhat surprised smile, Jung Siwoo quickly finished his first can of beer.
We ended up chatting about various topics, more disjointed than I had anticipated. Despite the meandering conversation, Jung Siwoo showed active engagement throughout, as if he didn’t find it boring at all.
Jung Siwoo picked up a few honey twists and *Matdongsan* as snacks and opened a new can of beer. The atmosphere wasn’t bad, so I gradually put down my chopsticks, looking for the right moment.
It was crucial to bring it up as naturally and nonchalantly as possible, as if it had just suddenly crossed my mind.
“Ah, but hyung. Now that I think about it, there’s something I wanted to say.”
“Yeah? What is it? Go ahead.”
Seeing Jung Siwoo nod lightly made me feel strangely nervous again. I tapped the soda on the table with my finger before hesitantly starting.
“Um…. Well, it’s really nothing much…. I just wanted to ask, ahem, um, for the sake of the members’ condition management….”
“Hmm, why are you dragging it out like that?”
“Well, uh…. I was wondering if you’ve been having trouble sleeping lately….”
The soft curve of Jung Siwoo’s lips subtly straightened.
He stopped mid-motion, about to take another sip of beer, and set it down on the table with a sharp clink. I straightened up and quickly added more explanations, which weren’t really explanations.
“No, well. I know you’re doing fine on your own, and I really do think you’re managing well. It’s just that, since I’m aiming for the Rookie Award, I might’ve overworked the plan…. So, I was just wondering if—if!—the workload is stressing you out, and it’s affecting your sleep, maybe we could discuss with the company to find some way to help….”
I was so tense, trying not to upset Jung Siwoo, that I didn’t even understand why I was behaving this way. Jung Siwoo quietly watched me, then nodded as if something had clicked.
“…It’s Taehyun, isn’t it?”
“What? No, I mean, it’s not like he snitched or anything, I just genuinely thought you might be too busy—”
“Hajin.”
“……Yes?”
“Can’t I handle this on my own?”
Jung Siwoo clearly expressed his refusal, drawing a line.
At that moment, it felt like a white line had literally been drawn between me and Jung Siwoo, as if in a hallucination. The unusually quiet night made my heartbeat seem unnecessarily loud.
“I’ve lived alone for a long time, so I’m still uncomfortable living with someone else. So, I’ve had trouble sleeping a few times, and it seems Taehyun misunderstood.”
…That’s a lie.
Even if I had instinctively looked away from Jung Siwoo’s stern expression, I could still tell whether he was being sincere or just saying something to end the conversation.
When I reflexively looked up at him, Jung Siwoo gave me a smile that didn’t hold an ounce of truth.
“I won’t let it affect the team. But I don’t really want to talk about it.”
Then, he averted his gaze and added in a low, subdued voice.
“…So that’s why you wanted to come out tonight?”
“No, well…. Not really….”
“Here I was thinking you finally felt comfortable around me.”
“…….”
I couldn’t respond, my lips sealed shut by Jung Siwoo’s sharp remark.
Jung Siwoo chuckled quietly as if he had expected my reaction and took a sip of his beer.
The night air around us suddenly turned sharp. Watching Jung Siwoo’s stiffened expression, the loud heartbeat I’d been hearing since earlier seemed even louder.
My mouth moved on its own, desperate to smooth over the situation.
“I wasn’t trying to say anything bad, hyung. I know you’re someone who manages things well. But Taehyun mentioned you seemed too busy lately to sleep properly… and as the leader, I think it’s my responsibility to at least check on the members’ health. So, that’s why I—”
“Hajin.”
Jung Siwoo cut me off, squinting as if he was tired.
“I really don’t want to talk about this.”
“…….”
“Honestly, you find it uncomfortable to talk to me about this, and I find it uncomfortable to listen. So… let’s drop it.”
With a blunt expression of displeasure, Jung Siwoo stood up.
And at that moment, my own true feelings spilled out.
“…Did I say something wrong to you, hyung?”
“……What?”
“Why should I feel like I’ve done something wrong just for worrying about a member who isn’t sleeping well?”
When I looked up from my seat, my eyes met Jung Siwoo’s.
His cold gaze might’ve intimidated me on a normal day, but right now, I felt like I was at the edge of a cliff. I didn’t know why.
“Yeah, I find you uncomfortable, hyung.”
“…….”
“But how could I not? Honestly, given how little time I’ve known you, wouldn’t it be stranger if I suddenly felt comfortable around you?”
I was someone more familiar with ‘ranks’ and ‘hierarchies’ than people thought.
Just looking at my past—years as a trainee, military service, moving through various theater and performance groups, and eventually starting work as a PD—made that clear.
Because of the nature of the work, this field is one where seniority is skill, and experience is law.
Regardless of my age, the moment a prefix like ‘junior’ or ‘assistant director’ was attached to my name, I had to accomplish whatever my superiors tasked me with and match their pace thoroughly.
In this field, ‘years of experience’ equaled ‘responsibility,’ and I was someone who understood the importance of that responsibility better than anyone.
To someone like me, Jung Siwoo, who was older, more experienced, and even had both skill and character, could only be a source of discomfort.
“I told you, hyung, I know you’re good at what you do. I know you’ll handle it well, but I just wanted to double-check.”
“…….”
“Regardless of the reason for your insomnia, do I really deserve to be told that I’m uncomfortable around you just for asking about it? And you, drawing a line with me…!”
“―Then!”
“…….”
“Then you shouldn’t have asked with such a miserable face, trembling all the while.”
Jung Siwoo cut off my rising voice with a cold tone I had never heard from him before, looking down at me. His expression was difficult to describe with any one emotion, but I didn’t look away.
He pressed me.
“If you were truly worried about me, you shouldn’t have asked in such a roundabout way, Hajin.”
“…Is it a crime to be cautious not to upset you, hyung?”
“From the start, why did you even think my feelings would be hurt by that question?”
“…….”
“Idols not getting enough sleep isn’t new, and it’s not like I’m not sleeping at all. So
what exactly are you so afraid of that you have to explain it all in such detail?”
“……….”
“Who are you, sitting in front of me right now? A good dongsaeng worried about his hyung? Or a business partner reluctantly pushed into confronting me because you’re the leader?”
Jung Siwoo’s words hit me like a blow to the head.
It seemed he understood my silence as an answer, as Jung Siwoo showed a genuinely tired and weary expression, wiping his dry face with his hand.
“…How long am I supposed to pretend I don’t notice you feeling inferior and keeping your distance from me?”
My heart sank with a thud.
The uncomfortable feeling I had toward Jung Siwoo materialized between us in the form of the three-letter word, ‘inferiority.’
“Suk-hyung and you… you both treat me like some indestructible alloy statue. In moments like this, what am I supposed to say to you?”
“…….”
“Do you really want to know why I can’t sleep? Are you prepared to sympathize with me once you hear the reason? Even though you aren’t even curious why I cut ties with my mother?”
―Why is Siwoo hyung alone…? His mother didn’t come…
―No, don’t say anything. I’m not ready to hear about his mother yet.
A conversation I’d had with Jung Siwoo once before suddenly flashed through my mind.
Jung Siwoo spoke with self-mockery, his voice low.
“To you, who doesn’t even think of me as a close hyung, with what heart am I supposed to share my nightmares?”
“…Hyung, that’s not—”
“Don’t say things you can’t take responsibility for, Hajin.”
―If you weren’t going to take responsibility, you shouldn’t have brought it up.
As Jung Siwoo spoke those last words, a buried memory overlapped in my mind.
I knew the situations were different, but hearing such similar words immediately sent a cold shiver through me, triggering alarm bells in my head.
Seeing Jung Siwoo, who seemed more driven by emotions than reason now, I tried to hold my breath and open my mouth to prevent us from hurting each other any further.
But in a fit of anger, Jung Siwoo spat out one more line.
“In the end, what matters to you isn’t me, but the main vocalist Jung Siwoo.”
And that one line was enough to sever the last thread of reason I had been holding onto.
I quietly stood up from my seat.
Jung Siwoo seemed to realize that he had gone too far, and for a moment, he looked unsettled, but then he clammed up and simply crushed the empty beer can in his hand.
Whatever that gesture meant, it was clear that continuing this conversation was not a good idea.
“…….”
When I finished cleaning up and came back out, Jung Siwoo was gone. Seeing the two remaining cans of beer left on the table, it seemed he had gone back to the dorm alone.
Considering how awkward it would’ve been to walk back together after such a fight, I felt it was for the best.
I turned around and went back into the convenience store.
“One digestive pill, please.”
All the food I had forced down earlier just to talk with Jung Siwoo felt like it was about to come back up.
Maybe it already had. My stomach had been heavy, and my head had been spinning since earlier.
“……Ugh, this is so annoying.”
Not even knowing what I was annoyed at, I headed back to the dorm.
The cool autumn night breeze felt unusually cold.